Sunday, June 19, 2005

My Lightning Quick Wit Strikes Again...

This past weekend I went to the Fremont Solstice Parade in Seattle, which for those of you who have never been or heard about, it is basically a big Hippy Fest. This Hippy Fest is complete with nekid bikers, body paint, costumes, bums with bubblemakers, the whole nine yards basically. If you still don't know what exactly I'm talking about, you'll see later when I post the pictures that I took.

Anyway, Hippy Fest happened about 15-20 blocks from where I live, and since there was no way in hell I was going to drive down there and try to find a parking spot, I rode my bike. I was down there for about 4-5 hours, most of the time watching the parade after locking my bike up to a fence post. On my way home, I got back on my bike and rode through the fair that was happening alongside the Hippy Fest. It was pretty busy (if you've ever been to Mardi Gras, it is comparable), and so I was only riding when the street opened up, or on the sidewalks behind the booths. Basically, I was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, given that I was on my bike and there were quite a few people around, and I did a pretty damn good job of it too.

Near the end of the fair, as I was riding behind the booths on the sidewalk and there was no one within 15 feet of me, this guy stops me. I'll call him Farmer Bob, and this is why: he probably weighed in at about 275 pounds but he was only 5'8" or 5'9" at the most. He had what used to be a white t-shirt on that had turned into a dingy brown, with some rainbow suspenders holding up a pair of pants that should have been retired when Reagan was president. In his right hand he held some sort of fried chicken or bundt cake type object, and in his left was a corn dog. Now he walked into the middle of the sidewalk and looked at me with a smile, and said: "Keys join your Mike with its fizzy."


So I stopped and asked him what he said, because he was looking at me all kindly like he may have needed directions or something, and he said: "Please shine your dyke when it's dizzy."

I tried one more time, and he finally managed to get out: "Please ride your bike when it's busy" at which point I realized he was being a jackass, so I said that I would and rode on.

Now, of course, I'm pissed. I wasted such a great opportunity to just rip into Farmer Bob, and all I came up with was "Ok, I will." So to try and rectify the situation (not that I have any hopes that Farmer Bob is computer literate, or any other literate, by any means, but I still want to vent), this is what I should have said:
1) Alright jackass, let's try a certain thing called annunciation.
2) Since you brought up the subject of being in the way, could you move your fat ass out of mine, because your belly is blocking more of the sidewalk than I could ever hope to with my bike.
3) Being in public does not mean that you get to be a dipshit. Unfortunately, that is normal for you.

...and on and on. Now, I think that it would be best to have people write in with their best comments, and what they would have said in this situation. C'mon, don't be shy...


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